By Tanni Haas, Ph.D.

Whether your kids are going to camp this summer, joining you and the rest of the family on a vacation trip, or just hanging around the neighborhood with friends, chances are they’ll experience their first crush. First crushes rarely last, but that doesn’t make the subsequent breakup any less painful. What can you say or do to help ease the pain? Here’s what the experts suggest:

Let them decide what role you should play

The first and most basic thing is to let them decide what role you should play in the aftermath of the breakup, and how that role might change over time. They may want to spend a lot of time with you, or they may be in need of some extended alone-time. “Go with the flow and understand that [their] feelings may change from day to day,” says Cherlyn Chong, a well-known breakup recovery coach. For example, Ms. Chong notes, you may want to say the following to your kids: “I know it’s not always the coolest to hang out with your parent, so don’t worry if you want to do something else. You’re going through a hard time right now, and I want to be able to support you however you prefer, whether it’s by spending time together or letting you do your own thing.”

Let them pour their hearts out – and listen without judgment

If your kids want to spend time with you and talk about what they’re going through, let them pour their hearts out and listen carefully and without any judgment. “Let them talk as much as they want,” says Dr. Jami Gross-Toalson, a child psychologist and professor of pediatrics, and “don’t feel like you need to respond or offer advice.” Indeed, Dr. Gross-Toalson says, “just being there to listen to them and remind them they’re loved is one of the best ways you can show your child love.” Dr. Liana Georgoulis, a well-known clinical psychologist, agrees: “When your [child] is first reeling from a bad breakup, advice will be the last thing [they] want. You need to give your [child] space to vent and share [their] feelings. Telling [them] what to do or how to feel will discourage [them] from opening up to you.” Instead of offering advice or judging what your kids are telling you, just show that you care about them and try to keep the conversation going. “Repeat your [child’s] feelings back to [them] or ask for clarification,” says Dr. Georgoulis, “instead of offering insight.” For example, you might say something like: “So you feel blindsided because your boyfriend broke up with you completely out of nowhere?”

Validate and empathize

Validate their experiences and feelings and show that you empathize with what they’re telling you. “Let them know you hear how they’re feeling and how difficult it is,” says Dr. Gross-Toalson, “and that what they’re feeling is normal.” Ms. Chong suggests that parents validate their kids by saying things like “I know this must be very hard for you” or “I’m sure this seems like the worst thing in the world right now.” Ms. Chong advises parents to try to put themselves in their kids’ shoes: “Try to remember how you felt after your first breakup. Although your [child] might not feel exactly the same way as you felt, reflecting on how you felt after your first breakup may make it easier for you to show empathy for what your [child] is going through right now.”

Help them learn from the breakup

While it’s rarely a good idea to offer advice outright, try to help them draw their own lessons from the process that they’re going through or, as Ms. Chong says, to help them “make meaning of the breakup.” Dr. Gross-Toalson suggests that parents ask open-ended questions like “what were some good things and some not-so-good things about the relationship?” Ms Chong agrees, suggesting that parents ask questions like “I wonder what you find most important about relationships now that you’ve been through this?” or “What are some characteristics that you would look for in someone new now that you know x about yourself in this relationship?” Ms Chong suggests that parents ask their kids to send a letter to themselves, to be opened a year later, in which they express all their feelings. “When [they open] it a year later,” Ms. Chong says, “[they’ll] most likely be amazed at how [their lives have] changed and how much [they’ve] grown.” The point is to make your kids understand that they’ll “likely look back on this experience as a time of great learning and change, and not necessarily sadness.”

Encourage them stay connected to important people and activities in their lives

You can also help your kids work through the breakup simply by encouraging them to stay connected to important people and activities in their lives – family and friends, classmates, extracurricular activities, hobbies, sports, etc. The point is, Dr. Gross-Toalson says, to involve your kids in “experiences that remind them who they are and what they enjoy.” This will refocus their attention from the negativity of the breakup to all the positive aspects of their lives. “Staying busy,” Dr. Georgoulis says, “will help prevent [your child] from having obsessive thoughts about the relationship and help show [him or her] that life goes on.

Encourage healthy social media habits

To refocus your kids’ attention on all the positive aspects of the lives, also encourage them to limit their social media use and, especially, to not obsess about what their former boyfriend or girlfriend is up to. As Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a well-known child psychologist, puts it, “it’s impossible to get over someone if you’re constantly checking their status and hence making their daily lives a very significant part of your daily life.”

Look to the future

Finally, look to the future and assure them that the pain will eventually subside and new, more satisfying relationships will blossom. One of the best ways to do that is to have them witness firsthand your own healthy relationships. As Dr. Gross-Taulson says, “Let your child observe you maintaining healthy boundaries, expressing your needs and showing mutual respect, whether it be in romantic relationships, friendships or family relationships.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences, and Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College