Tanni Haas, Ph.D.
The start of the new year is a great time for prioritizing family bonding and renewal. One way to do that is for parents and kids to agree to a set of mutually-rewarding pledges, which I propose calling “Family New Year’s Resolutions.” Here are some ideas to get you started.
Talk more about your day
Most parents complain that as the kids get older, they reveal less and less about their daily lives. This is especially true of middle – and high-schoolers. When asked how their day was, at the dinner table, parents are often met with a monosyllabic “Fine.” It doesn’t have to be this way. You may be able to get the kids to open up more if you do so yourself. Parents are understandably tired after a long day at work but, if you want the kids to talk, tell them about all the things that happened to you. It could be something that occurred during the commute, or something someone said at work. You might surprise yourself: the more you talk, the more the kids are also likely to talk.
Spend more time together
Our increasingly busy lives can make it difficult to find unhurried quality-time together. The truth is, though, that the more time parents spend with the kids, the happier everyone will be. Kids benefit tremendously from participating in all kinds of extra-curricular activities, but many kids participate in so many activities that they rarely get to spend time with their parents outside of meals. How about committing to spend more time together? In return for the kids cutting down on at least one extra-curricular activity, you leave work early one day a week or, if that’s not possible, devote some time every weekend morning, afternoon, or evening just for you and them.
Get the kids the pet they’ve been wanting so badly
Many kids want nothing more in life than to get a pet, and never cease to beg their parents for one. Assuming that the conditions are right (no one in your family is allergic to it, the cost isn’t prohibitive, you can offer the pet the appropriate support and environment), consider getting one for the kids. But – and there’s a big but associated with this pledge: in return, the kids will have to commit to taking care of it. If it’s a dog, they’ll have to walk it in the morning before they go to school, and in the evening before they go to bed. If it’s a cat, they’ll have to clean the litter box regularly, and so on. Discuss all that pet upkeep entails before you make any commitments: Too many pets end becoming the sole responsibility of the adults, or sent to an animal shelter.
Cook dinners that make everyone happy
A constant question in many families is what’s for dinner. Not surprisingly, the kids want foods like burgers, hotdogs, and pizza, and parents want the kids to eat healthier options like non-fried meats, fish, and vegetables. It doesn’t have to be a battle of the wills. Compromise is possible. One possibility is to create a weekly dinner plan that makes everyone happy. In return for one or more nights a week where the kids get to indulge in their favorite foods, they’ll have to agree to complement those dinners with healthy additions, say burgers with a side of green salad. If possible, prepare the dinner together with the kids. Kids are more much more likely to eat and enjoy the fruits (no pun intended) of their own labor.
Agree on the right amount of – and time for – screens
Few things excite kids more than spending time with friends on their phones – whether texting, interacting via social media, or playing games together. It doesn’t make sense to forbid the kids to engage in these kinds of activities: it’s how kids socialize these days. That doesn’t mean that their screens should dominate their lives. Come up with a mutually-agreeable solution. In return for screen time with friends, the kids will have to abide by certain rules. This could be: no screens before all their homework has been completed, all screens are put away at least one hour before bedtime, or screen-free weekend mornings, afternoons, or evenings to spend with the family.
Make vacation plans together
One of the highlights for many families is the yearly summer vacation, whether it’s a fancy trip abroad or a less expensive, domestic road trip. But even road trips can be expensive when you factor in the costs of hotels, motels, or camping sites, in addition to the entrance fees to amusement parks, local sights, zoos, etc. One way to align expectations with reality is to sit the kids down and make vacation plans together. Discuss various options, the costs associated with each option, and try to arrive at a decision that makes everyone happy. Even better, have the kids set aside part of their allowance for the trip. It’ll give them a genuine stake in the decision and teach them important lessons about budgeting and saving money for what matters to them.
Tie the kids’ allowance to supporting the household
If the kids aren’t getting a regular allowance, consider giving them one but make it dependent on them performing various tasks around the house. Kids want money (who doesn’t), but that doesn’t mean that parents should automatically give it to them with no strings attached. Ideally, of course, kids should contribute to the home even without receiving any allowance. They should pitch in simply by virtue of being equal members of the household with important responsibilities. However, tying allowance to chores does mirrors the real world in one crucial way: you only get paid when you work. That’s an important life-lesson that’ll benefit them for years to come.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences and Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.
