GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JULY | AUGUST 2019 69 There you are, in a courtroom reliving every slight—every grievance—from the past several decades. Every forgotten anniversary, every unwashed dish, endless hurtful comments, the failure to take out the trash, his chewing with his mouth open, her failure to love you the way you “deserve to be loved.” Kids suddenly choose “sides.” Social media drama wears out keyboards. E-Harmony profiles are created. Retirement ac- counts are liquidated to pay attorneys. For almost 17 years, I sat in a black robe on an elevated plat- form and watched this scenario unfold time and time again. I started to believe that maybe it is little more than a fluke when a marriage lasts for decades. I mean, there is nothing easy about maintaining a relationship. People change and today no one is the same person who we fell in love with and married all those years ago. It is hard work to stay tuned-in to each other’s needs, while also staying in touch with your own individuality. Maybe being able to tolerate, much less enjoy, your spouse’s presence after decades of marriage is just a coin flip of fate. Some find comfort in that predestination. We didn’t fail—it was just providence. Others find it terrifying. After deciding tens of thousands of divorces and hearing the unique life sto- ries that accompany each one, I am unable to dismiss luck as a factor. But it is not the only, or even the primary, factor. Common characteristics emerge when long-term marriages turn into midlife divorce, but no simple checklist can ensure durability. There are necessary elements. It does involve em- bracing the person your spouse has become, respecting their individuality (and your own), communicating honestly and, even with all their faults, continuing to choose your spouse. If you find the matrimonial battle wounds are fatal and be- lieve it is necessary to separate, seek the counsel of an experi- enced family law attorney and discuss your options. Do not make the mistake of believing that counsel is unnecessary be- cause your kids are grown and flown. That mistake could be devastating. The complexity of financial matters involved in ending long- term marriages requires a level of knowledge, understanding, and skill that only a family law expert can provide. In fact, if you are seriously considering a divorce, it may be wise to talk to an attorney before you confront your spouse so that you are aware of the implications of your decision. This is especially true if you have been the at-home spouse, or there is a large income differential. Divorce will greatly impact your financial stability and preparation for that reality is critical. Each phase of marriage places unique demands on a couple, and these demands are unique to each family. The early intox- ication of new love often sustains the morning; the common purpose and child-focus typically dominates the afternoon; with uncertainty and reevaluation possible in the evening. Ideally, it also brings recommitment, growth, and renewal. When you find yourself devoid of the purpose you have been committed to for the past decades and in bed with a stranger, it can be frightening. It can also be an exciting opportunity to start the next phase of life with a fresh commitment to each other and a new understanding of yourself. Editor’s Note: Judge Chris Oldner is a partner in the Family Law boutique Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP, assist- ing clients facing life-changing legal matters including divorce, child custody, parental rights, and property division. He can be reached at www.ondafamilylaw.com. PEOPLE CHANGE AND TODAY NO ONE IS THE SAME PERSON WHO WE FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. IT IS HARD WORK TO STAY TUNED- IN TO EACH OTHER’S NEEDS, WHILE ALSO STAYING IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OWN INDIVIDUALITY.