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GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JULY AUGUST 2015 47 goodTO KNOW charming. What starts out as a strong connection full of flattery and admiration can turn jealous and controlling before the victim realizes it is happening. Even healthy people can end up in un- healthy situations. Be patient and understanding. Leaving is hard. The relation- ship is probably not all bad. Often still drawn to the good that does exist in the relationship the victim defends the abuser from accusa- tions of friends and family. They dont want the relationship to end they just want the abuse to stop. Help your child honor the good memories while being clear that the bad parts of the relationship are dangerous and not likely to change. It will take your repeated loving but firm insistence that you understand how hard it is but that you will not continue to allow them to be in a controlling or dangerous situation. Try not to get too frustrated too fast when your child hangs on to a potentially bad relationship. Take time to process the situa- tion in your own mind and come up with a measured reasonable approach. Try not to judge your child too quickly for not fixing it. Remember if your child had the insight and skill to end the re- lationship it would have been over by now. Be willing to be the bad guy. When your child truly is ready to separate from a dangerous situation they will need your help in very significant ways. Their abuser knows which buttons to push or threats to make to weaken defenses and lure them back. Let your child blame you for cutting the off from their abusive partner. Set firm curfews deny access to the car and make it known publicly especially to the abuser that you are monitoring their social me- dia postings. Use Parental Controls through your phone carrier to help restrict calls and texts to and from certain numbers though beware of texting apps that can get around this. Change the abus- ers contact information in your childs phone to read DO NOT ANSWER so that shehe is not tempted the next time a call comes through. Help your child to find alternative activities to stay busy and accountable to other responsible peers and adults. If necessary get the police or the school involved. Sometimes involving the abusers own parents is appropriate if it can be done sensitively. In an ideal world those parents can help their child get counseling support in order to change behaviors in the future. Keep some perspective--things that are hard are not without value. Developing healthy relationship skills takes time and expe- rience. Help your child learn from his or her mistakes. They will learn what NOT to tolerate in the future.