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38 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MAY JUNE 2016 goodADVICE Can We Talk VITAL CONVERSATIONS FOR PARENTS AND TEENS When children become teenagers communication suddenly includes lots of eye-rolling slammed doors and dramatic closing arguments such asYou just dont understand meSo how do you open the lines of communication with your teen Here are three conversations that may help. by Sierra Sanchez MSSW Contributor CONVERSATION 1 ENGAGE YOUR TEEN WITH NO AGENDACONVERSATIONS A rapid-fire string of questions aimed at a task instruction admonishment or criticism can make teens feel that every conversation with parents has an agenda. We need to cultivate the art of talking with our teens not at them. Try using open-ended questions to encourage real conversation. If you ask questions that can be answered with a simple yes no fine or I dont know youll have a pretty short conversation. Instead ask for an opinion a description or an account of their day. Express genuine interest in hearing more details. Respond positively to encourage elaboration. This encourages them to be honest and open about how they feel. Its a friendly exchange with no underlying agenda. No-agenda conversations build rapport establish trust and help teens feel comfortable talking with parents about any topic. This will come in handy if you ever need to have a more in- depth conversation about things like their emotional health. CONVERSATION 2 CHECK IN WITH ATAGTALK With one in four teens exhibiting symptoms of depression or anxiety its important to be able to talk openly about mental health. As a parent you are likely the first person to notice changes in your teens behavior mood sleep or appetiteand to talk with them about it. If your teen is in emotional or psychological distress you may need to ask more pointed questions to determine the severity of the problem. The simple acronym TAG can help Take it seriously Ask questions and Get help. Take it seriously. Listen. Dont judge. Dont act shocked or angry. Let the teen know that you care and he or she is not alone. Depression and other mental health disorders can be treated. No matter how awful the problems seem they can be worked out. Ask questions. Open the conversation Say Im concerned about you. Whats going on Be specific. Paraphrase what you hear and repeat it back to them. Dig deeper. How long have you been feeling this way Have you felt so bad that youve thought of harming yourself Are you thinking about ending your life Do you have a plan Ask if you can help. Will you let me help you Will you promise not to harm yourself until weve found some help We need to cultivate the art of talking with our teens not at them.