GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MARCH | APRIL 2018 27 the child is leaving Dad to go to Mom’s house. We ask parents NOT to tell their child, “I’ll miss you.” Why? The child becomes codependent on the parent, thinking I must take care of Dad’s feelings; I must not let him feel hurt; I feel guilty for leaving my dad. Try simply saying, “I love you, have a good time, see you in a few days.” That doesn’t burden the child with taking care of the parent. What if there are financial issues going on in the home? The parents want the child to see how important it is to manage finances, and they begin talking to the teen or tween about the financial needs in the home, in order to teach their son or daughter some important lessons. What does the teen do? He or she worries about the family finances and tries to figure out how to help the family financially. It’s better to teach the teen about financial management but NOT introduce the family issues in that arena. We say over and over that the teen, tween or child should take care of their own worries, and let the adults take care of the adult worries. We need to be clear with our child—you take care of your worries as the teenager, and we’ll take care of the adult worries, like food, shelter, money and so on. Codependency can also occur when parents try to live vicariously through their teen. This happens quite often when the teen’s successes or failures become the parents’. Kids are put into a situation in which they must succeed at all costs, as the parents’ self-esteem is at stake. The student knows that and feels enormous pressure. And what do the parents do in the event that their son or daughter doesn’t make the team? Go to extremes in behavior, from confronting the school officials, to even stronger measures—like stalking the parent of the teen that is “responsible” for the downfall of their child. If our child loses out, it is important to be there to encourage the teen to move on, learn the important lesson of how to fail and get back up and keep going. We are going to hurt, of course, when our teen is hurting. But it is important to not live our life through our teenager’s life! There are perhaps many ways that a parent can become locked in a codependent relationship. But there are a few principles that may guide us away from that direction. For example, as a school teacher early in my career, I learned an important principle of teaching. I learned that I couldn’t be dependent on the students liking me! If I had to get every student to like me—order could not be established, students could take advantage of me, learning would ultimately not take place. Chaos at home can result when parents need their children to like them. If there’s a little too much chaos at home, ask yourself if you’re in a codependent relationship with your children. Perhaps you need to take on the authority needed to bring a little more order to the situation—even at the risk of losing favor with your kids. When avoiding codependency we must keep boundaries in mind. Boundaries in that we keep adult business with the adults, and we don’t pass it on to the child. Boundaries in that we allow the teen to take care of the teenager’s world and business. We must also remember whose problem it is. This is a foundational and fundamental aspect of parenting. Teens will have social issues, and all teens do. These are the teenager’s problem to solve. The parent does not need to step in and solve the issue. This is a difficult task for us parents, who do not want our teen to get hurt. But if our teens are to emerge into adulthood and spread their wings, sometimes helping will end up hurting. TIPS: 1 REMEMBER TO MAINTAIN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. The parent takes care of adult business; the teen takes care of teen worries. 2DO NOT TALK ABOUT OTHER ADULTS IN THE TEEN’S LIFE, especially the other parent. 3DON’T FORGET TO ASK YOURSELF, WHO OWNS THE PROBLEM. IF IT’S THE TEEN’S PROBLEM, the teen needs to take care of the issue. 4 BE SURE AND OFFER SUPPORT, A LISTENING EAR AND A CARING HEART. Ask questions and give guidance without stepping in to solve the problem. 5PROTECTING THE TEEN IS IMPORTANT, but over- protective, helicopter parenting leads to disaster. 6GROWING UP IS THE GOAL. Over-concern about our teen NOT experiencing pain will only lead to life-long pain for our teen. 7WE DO NOT WANT “KIDS WHO CARRY OUR PAIN.” Ask yourself in any decision, will this cause my child or my teen to start carrying my load, my difficulty, my pain. 8BE CAREFUL HOW YOU EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS. You do not want the teen to feel responsible for how you feel. 9FINALLY, ENJOY THESE YEARS WITH YOUR TEEN— THEY WILL BE GONE QUICKLY. Stay focused on relating, hearing and enjoying this time! Editor’s Note: Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric therapist, school counselor and trainer, who specializes in treatment for children and families navigating divorce and other life challenges. He is the founder of the Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas. If you wish to contact Dr. Beckloff with questions, comments or for a consultation, he can be reached at the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center: wwwwDrBeckloff.com / 972.250.1700 The problem is that codependency sneaks in un-noticed, in small ways that may not seem wrong at first glance.