Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32 Page 33 Page 34 Page 35 Page 36 Page 37 Page 38 Page 39 Page 40 Page 41 Page 42 Page 43 Page 44 Page 45 Page 46 Page 47 Page 48 Page 49 Page 50 Page 51 Page 52 Page 53 Page 54 Page 55 Page 56 Page 57 Page 58 Page 59 Page 60 Page 61 Page 62 Page 63 Page 64 Page 65 Page 66 Page 67 Page 68 Page 69 Page 70 Page 71 Page 72 Page 73 Page 74 Page 75 Page 76 Page 77 Page 78 Page 79 Page 80 Page 81 Page 82 Page 83 Page 8440 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MARCH | APRIL 2017 goodADVICE Bridging the Communication Gap: How to Speak So Your Child Will Hear by Susan Sugerman, MD, MPH #YOUWOULDNTUNDERSTAND We have had ample opportunity by the time our children reach adolescence to provide instructions and give advice. By then, teens take over much of their teaching themselves. This is when the brain “prunes” its neurons, making new connections and cutting back on unnecessary ones based on their own experiences. They learn in real time, reinforced by events and the emotions that go with them. Think about it—our strongest memories stem from the lessons learned from our own mistakes (compared with “lectures” from our parents). When children learn from their own actions, they gain wisdom that lasts a lifetime. But wait! We have a lot to say. We want them to hear us; we want to stay involved in shaping their development. How do we let them explore independently and yet continue to influence them as they grow? Start by focusing on connections that foster productive conversation in the first place. Reinforce healthy bonding by emphasizing non-judgmental— and often non-verbal—shared experiences. Create pleasant, regular rituals, such as walking the dog together, watching a favorite TV series, or making cookies on rainy days. When you do nothing other than share the same air, you establish “safe zones” for mutual interaction regardless of whether she is mad at you or whether he is grounded. Maintaining connected relationships allows the possibility of meaningful conversations when it really counts later. When your child does want to talk, slide shut the imaginary zipper over your mouth. Be the sounding board, not the sound. Our kids know exactly what we think; they can give our own lectures for us by the time they’re ten years old. What’s new to them is their own thought process, using their own intellect to verbalize their experiences and develop their own judgments. You can help by guiding them in a choreographed way with a few well-placed “Hmm’s” and the occasional “So then what happened?” With a few gentle phrases, you can direct the conversation exactly where you want it to go. Even when a consequence is warranted, you can use this type of “active listening” to help your child figure out on his own what went wrong and what to do next (“So now what do you think you should do?”). Question: How do we speak with our children in ways that impart wisdom and save them from the hard lessons we learned at their age? Answer: It’s a trick question. The real answer is to stop talking. When your child does want to talk, slide shut the imaginary zipper over your mouth. Be the sounding board, not the sound.