Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32 Page 33 Page 34 Page 35 Page 36 Page 37 Page 38 Page 39 Page 40 Page 41 Page 42 Page 43 Page 44 Page 45 Page 46 Page 47 Page 48 Page 49 Page 50 Page 51 Page 52 Page 53 Page 54 Page 55 Page 56 Page 57 Page 58 Page 59 Page 60 Page 61 Page 62 Page 63 Page 64 Page 65 Page 66 Page 67 Page 68 Page 69 Page 70 Page 71 Page 72 Page 73 Page 74 Page 75 Page 76 Page 77 Page 78 Page 79 Page 80 Page 81 Page 82 Page 83 Page 8434 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JULY | AUGUST 2016 goodADVICE Yours, Mine & Ours SMART ADVICE FOR BLENDING FAMILIES There’s a fantastic 1968 comedy classic with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda called Yours, Mine and Ours about a widow and a widower who have 18 children between them. A series of hilarious calamities ensue as they date, marry, merge their two families and have children together. Of course, as it is in the movies, it all wraps up nicely in the end. The siblings and step- siblings eventually all get along, everyone welcomes the new babies to the family and the blissful family is all smiles. Oh—if only real life was so easy. First off, in the movie there are no exes to deal with, they don’t have any legal battles over visitation or custody and the chance that so many step-siblings learn to get along that quickly is about as likely as winning the lottery. Yes, a blended family can learn to function together happily, but it takes a lot of work on all sides. According to a Pew Research report, 40% of all new marriages in the U.S. are remarriages for one or both partners; thus, approximately 1/3 of all marriages form step-families. The fact is that the divorce rate increases from 50% for first marriages to 67% for second marriages, and the primary factor is likely the additional challenges families face the second time around. When parents take the plunge—again—there are often a lot more moving parts. The approach to the process of blending families changes depending on the individual dynamics of all the adults and children involved, but as Dr. Dean Beckloff of Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center says, “The kids have to be number one. The reality is when you have kids, you can’t be self-focused.” In his almost 30 years in family law, Keith Nelson of Orsinger, Nelson, Downing and Anderson, LLP has seen the families who have done things the right way and those who haven’t. He believes the right approach to the situation can save a lot of headaches from the legal side and the relationship side. It starts from the moment you decide to seriously pursue another relationship. He recommends you “vet out the person” early on. Check into their criminal history, ensure what they tell you about themselves is true and meet their friends and family. Not only will you be assured they are someone you can trust, but also you’ll know you can trust them around your children. From a legal standpoint, it gives you the added bonus of being able to show your ex-spouse you’ve crossed all your t’s and dotted all your i’s if you end up in any sort of custody or visitation litigation. Now that you know the person is safe, when do you tell your kids about the new relationship? Dr. Beckloff suggests, “With younger kids, you don’t tell them very much,” but Beckloff and Nelson both agree teenagers are cognitively aware of things whether you tell them or not, and you’ll have to be more upfront. Beckloff suggests youwaitaslongasyoucan,for sure wait until you know it will be a long-term relationship. Ideally, he says research suggests waiting at least six months until after the divorce is finalized, although sometimes that’s just not practical. “In today’s world, divorces take a while, an average of around two years in Dallas, so many parents begin to date before the divorce is final,” Beckloff points out. Orsinger strongly suggests the parent, the soon-to-be step-parent and all of their children meet with a counselor right away. Beckloff says there are many specialists in assisting blended families in DFW who can be very helpful in highlighting the areas to consider before the families come together. Again, from a legal perspective, it is helpful to show the ex-spouse that you’ve consulted a family therapist to make the transition easier for your kids. By AliciaWanek “You first have to examine how the kids 'mesh'. It’s likely the children have grown up with different parenting styles, so it’s important to communicate about the new house rules for… pretty much everything.” - Keith Nelson of Orsinger, Nelson, Downing and Anderson, LLP “The new step-parent can even become the subject of a 'custody evaluation', as part of the modification requests in which the ex-spouse can request a psychological evaluation of the step-parent to determine if the children are safe around this new person." - Dr. Dean Beckloff of Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center continued on Page 36