FROM DAD, CHRIS OLDNER: Keep your cool. Don’t lose your head. Never let them see you sweat. There is no end to the clichés we have invented to describe staying calm in the face of adversity. But like so many things in life, saying is a lot easier than doing. I have been blessed with a wonderful wife and three indescribably fantastic daughters. With all these blessings I am certainly the model of calm, patient, pedagogical parenting, right? You know the answer. All of us are challenged to be patient, kind and respectful when dealing with the craziness of life.  My middle daughter, who is writing this article with me, remembers many of the times this challenge may have gotten the better of me. One of my favorite quotes is by Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl:   “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Sometimes, just recognizing this space is all we need to “keep our cool.” This is especially true when the family is going through a difficult transition, like a divorce. Not only are we in conflict with someone who once was our closest partner, but also we must try to maintain stability for the kids (and our sanity). It can be our greatest challenge just to stay calm and respectful and to choose our response well.   A continuing theme I (try to) model for my children is to use this space. Don’t give power to another by just reacting. In difficult times it can seem as if the chaos surrounding you will never quiet. Always remember: keep your cool.  Don’t lose your head. Never let them see you sweat. FROM 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, OLIVIA OLDNER: When I was younger and my dad would get angry with me, he would take a deep breath before he reacted. I called this “breathy,” and since I associated this with his anger, I would exclaim, “No breathy!” He would always reply with, “Breathy helps me calm down.” I slowly began to realize that he was right, and he would be able to handle the situation more calmly when he took a deep breath and thought about a way to handle it without lashing out. I tried it out for myself a couple of times, like when my older sister would anger me, I would try and take a deep breath. It worked! I thought about how I could react positively instead of lashing out at her. Always, the situation turned out better.  Now that I’m older, I’m concerned with a lot more than my sister taking my toy. I have schoolwork, chores, a social life, sleep, and after-school activities. Not to mention my parents constantly trying to fit in family time! I sometimes get very stressed out, and all I want to do is yell at someone, but I have to realize that I’m in control of how I react. Counting to ten is something I do very often. While I’m counting, I can realize how petty the argument is and how it isn’t worth fighting. I can realize how I am in control of my actions and how I handle the situation better. Even when it isn’t a person making me angry, but just my homework, I can count to ten and think about who I can ask for help. And that can make all the difference.  Editor’s Note: Judge Chris Oldner is Of Counsel in the Family Law boutique Orsinger, Nelson, Downing & Anderson, LLP and served three terms as the presiding judge of the 416th District Court in Collin County. See bio on page 11. Olivia Oldner is a 13-year old 8th grader who enjoys swimming, writing, drawing, shopping and going to Six Flags with her dad. Dad & Daughter: Finding Space to Help Keep Your Cool “TO HANDLE YOURSELF, USE YOUR HEAD; TO HANDLE OTHERS, USE YOUR HEART.” - ELEANOR ROOSEVELT By Chris Oldner and Olivia Oldner | Contributors Give Peace a Chance HOW TO CHILL OUT WHEN ANGER FLARES By Dean Beckloff, Ph.D. | Contributor 1) First of all, if you blow it, be gentle with yourself. Sure – realize you made a mistake, but I try to remember that it’s not so much what you have done, but what you do afterwards that counts. This goes for kids, spouses, friends and others. If you blew it, apologize. Take stock and make changes for the next time. Problem solve with your kids about how a problem can be resolved. Create an atmosphere showing that life is sure to bring some problems, but we can solve them with our creative intellect. 2) We can’t micromanage other folks to keep every- one happy. Realize whose problem it is. This is true for kids too, and it’s very easy to step in and start solving problems that are not ours. Figure out if the problem is yours, and if not, help by listening. You can give support without running to take care of someone else’s issue. 3) Remember that within us all, is the fight or flight response. It’s within every living animal on the planet. You will at times be urged by your neurology and body to respond rapidly by either fighting or running. Understand your body’s re- sponse, and then realize that you don’t have to respond the way your neurology is programmed. You have an override system. It’s what we have that no other animal has, the pre-frontal cortex. That means we can choose a different response! 4) The next thing to remember is to resist the “call of the wild.” You don’t have to respond emotionally or with fighting – to the fight or flight response. We can respond with reason. And reason is our greatest hope in managing the crises and difficulties that will come our way. 5) Take a break. Do what you can to break away so that you can calm your fight or flight response. Do all that we know to do in the research – take deep breaths, do breathing exercises, get away from the person who is causing that response, take a time out, do whatever works for you to get to that special place of calmness and reason. As Judge Olner and Victor Frankl say – between stimulus and response lies a space – where we can choose our response. We must take a break at times to get to that very important place. 6) Make it your goal to maintain and create peace and gentleness with yourself and others. As John Lennon said, “give peace a chance.” Surely if as many good folks as possible can make that our goal, we will have a great place in this world, in our families, in our neighborhoods, and in our country. Give peace a chance. Chris Oldner and daughter, Olivia