26 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com JANUARY | FEBRUARY 2019 dating violence. For teens, dating and being with a partner is brand new. It’s important for parents to help them understand how healthy relationships should feel. NO. 3 | ROLE OF FAITH IN SEXUAL CHOICES It’s a sensitive topic for sure, but a discussion with your teens about sex is not complete if it doesn’t also include discussing how their faith can guide their decisions and attitudes. A Gallup poll from 2013 found that 56% of teens said that religion played “a very important role in their life.” Sexual abstinence is, of course, the safest way to prevent your teen’s risk of STDs or pregnancy, and according to a study released by the CDC, the most frequent reason teenagers give for abstaining from sex is that the behavior goes against their religion or morals. Among the 57 percent of girls and 58 percent of boys ages 15-19 who said they had never had sex, 41 percent of girls and 31 percent of boys chose "against religion or morals" as their main reason for not being sexually active. Most faiths believe in abstinence until marriage, but psychologists also encourage helping teens to have a healthy attitude about their identity as a sexual being. Many churches today offer sexuality courses for young teens, often with very frank discussions about puberty, sexual terms, birth control and STDs but from a Christian perspective. Kate Ott, author of Sex + Faith: Talking with Your Child from Birth to Adolescence, says, “Parents, whenever possible, should be the first and primary sexuality educators for their children. Like all things in life, we also want the information, lessons and values we teach our children to be reinforced and strengthened by other trusted adults around them. That includes school as well as our faith communities. We sometimes limit sexuality education to facts, but it is also about relationships and values. When children have opportunities to connect faith values to what they learn about sexuality, it strengthens their decision-making.” NO. 4 | WHAT CONSENT REALLY MEANS If you have a son in a fraternity in college, it’s highly likely he’s seen the video “Tea and Consent.” Easily found on YouTube, this 2015 video released by British police attempts to explain sexual consent using a cup of tea as an analogy. The video’s reminders – that you can offer a cup of tea to someone but they can refuse, that you should never force someone to drink tea, and that someone may have accepted a cup of tea but then change their mind about drinking it – are all to point out that the same principles apply to sex. The message “Consent is Everything” is driven home at the end of the video. Simplistic, perhaps so. The message, however, should be made clear to all teens and young adults – really to everyone – that they should never feel pressured, coerced or forced to participate in anything sexual. Young Men’s Health at Boston’s Children’s Hospital explains it this way: “Sexual consent means there is a clearagreementbyallparticipantsforanytypeofsexualencounter for that one time. Sex without consent is not only a crime, it can also have long-lasting emotional effects. Sexual consent is not just about sexual intercourse; it also includes kissing, making out, cuddling or touching.” The following guidelines from their website (youngmenshealthsite.org) are good talking points with your child: • Consent can be sexy. Asking consent sets the right tone for a healthy relationship or sexual encounter. Relationships built on sexual consent often grow to have strong roots of trust. • Silence does not mean consent. Consent is not assumed or hesitant. Consent is clear and understood by everyone involved. How do you know if there is consent? Simply ask and wait for your partner to answer. • You can change your mind at any time. Sexual activity should feel right every time. Just because you did something once before doesn’t mean you need to be okay with it again. Anyone can change their mind in the future for reasons such as time and mood. You can even change your mind in the middle of a sexual encounter. • No one can consent after using drugs, alcohol or any substances. If someone is buzzed, high or blacked-out, they cannot give consent. A lack of resistance is not permission to continue. If someone is motionless, they do not have a voice to agree or disagree. • Using force, control or threats is NEVER okay. If it takes convincing, it is not consent. The bottom line is that everyone deserves emotional and physical respect and has the right to make decisions about their own body. Consent should be guilt- free, willing and crystal clear. • “No” means no. “I don’t know” does not mean yes. “Yes” means yes. NO. 5 | PORNOGRAPHY AND SEXUALIZED IMAGES: HOW ARE THEY IMPACTING OUR KIDS? Pornography is more readily accessible now than ever before. It’s important that you monitor what your children are doing online, and parental controls can be very helpful. However, you can’t control what your child’s peers are seeing online and what they are sharing with your kids. Dr. Joanne Orlando of Western “PARENTS MUST NOT TURN A BLIND EYE TO WHAT IS TAKING PLACE IN THIS NEW DIGITAL AGE OF ACCESSIBILITY; THEY MUST NOT BELIEVE THEIR KIDS WILL SOMEHOW, ON THEIR OWN, NAVIGATE IT WELL. - Dr. Dean Beckloff, founder, Beckloff Pediatric Behavorial Center