66 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2017 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2017 67 Say Goodbye to Caregiver Guilt DO NOT MARGINALIZE YOURSELF Caregiving is a hard job that takes a lot of commitment. As AARP puts it, “There is no formula for becoming a caregiver. Each expe- rience is unpredictable, ever changing and unique.” Refrain from marginalizing the magnitude of caring for a family member as well as your role in it. You may tell yourself that if you truly loved mom or dad, it wouldn’t be so hard. But it’s essential for you to understand that it is OK to do only what you can and accept that. Somehow you also have to balance the other parts of your life. TAKE TIME AWAY When you’re caregiving, it would be nice if the rest of your life would stop. But unfortunately, it doesn’t. There is still a job to work, kids to take care of, errands to run, etc. You may feel that in all of this, you never have time to do something that isn’t directly related to one of your suffocating responsibilities. If you continue, you will eventually experience burnout. So take time to exercise, read a book, or attend a support group. You may feel guilty at first, but if you don’t make your needs a priority once in a while, you won’t be able to effectively care for the needs of your loved ones. GET HELP You love your parents, there is no doubt about it. But pushing yourself too hard can put a strain on your relationship with them and everyone else. Don’t be afraid to reach out to other family members or friends for short-term respite. Consider also that there are professional caregivers available in your area who are trained and willing to not only put your parents needs first, but also to give you a much needed break…free from guilt.   Of course, the goal in all of this is to give your loved ones the best care possible. Believe it or not, you can’t do it alone, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You love your parents, there is no doubt about it. But pushing yourself too hard can put a strain on your relationship with them and everyone else. By Cindy Greenberg Guilt is a powerful emotion. In many ways, it is a natural response for when you do something wrong or when you don’t do something you should. But when it comes to caregiving, it can truly seem that even though you do nothing wrong, you feel like you can never do enough. Sometimes your loved ones may even use guilt purposefully to force you to give them your full attention or to get something they want. You’re doing everything you can, but all you hear are complaints. Yet, is this guilt warranted? Three Approaches to Start Uncomfortable Conversations with your Parents by Colin Smith / Contributor As we watch our parents get older, we eventually witness the unpleasant realities that come with age. Travel may be limited. Dementia may set in. Health issues may manifest themselves. Ultimately, if we are to help, we need to know where their assets are and what power we have to help in dire circumstances. Unfortunately, more often than not, the younger generation must raise these issues with their parents. Death and disability are morbid conversation topics, and emotions can run high. Some people refuse to discuss these matters at all, and others may refuse to deal with imminent realities (case in point: a 95-year-old widow who hasn’t made a Will because she believes she will pass away as soon as she signs it). Some families are simply private and closed, making these conversations all the more painful and difficult. Here are three ways to make a potentially painful conversation easier. FIRST APPROACH: Have your parents follow your lead. Realizing the difficulty of this potential conversation may inspire you to have your own estate drafted. Then, you can have the “responsible parent” conversation starter, which goes something like this: “Mom, Dad, we just had our Wills done so that we can make sure Johnny is taken care of if something happens to us. Do you have anything like that in place?” SECOND APPROACH: Scare them. Why not? It works on kids. A real life scenario spurs most people into action. If you can locate a scenario, such as a family friend who has had a heart attack, use it to get the conversation started. One tragedy sticks out in my mind. A parent and child had a falling out, and the parent disinherited the child. Some years later, the parent fell into poor health, and the adult child moved home and went on to have a fantastic rapport until the parent passed away suddenly. However, the parent had not updated his Will since disinheriting the child, and everything ended up going to an estranged family member. Use a tragic story like this to motivate your parents to discuss their arrangements. THIRD APPROACH: Make the conversation about them. As modern medicine continues to improve, it is more likely that we will be disabled before we pass away. We want to ensure that our parents’ wishes are met if they become disabled. If we are a part of those wishes or if we are to assist, we need critical information, such as the location of important documents (if they exist), their contents and the location of our parents’ assets. Knowing your parents’ wishes ahead of time can help avoid interfamily conflict. Probate courts are full of cases of family members who disagree on what their parents would have wanted. While we may feel like a greedy child in asking about inheritance, the alternative is a worse situation for everyone involved. Editor’s Note: Reach Colin Smith at colin@colinsmithlaw.com or call 972.773.9095. www.ColinSmithLaw.com PROBATE COURTS ARE FULL OF CASES OF FAMILY MEMBERS WHO DISAGREE ON WHAT THEIR PARENTS WOULD HAVE WANTED. goodOLEDAYS goodOLEDAYS KNOWING YOUR PARENTS’ WISHES AHEAD OF TIME CAN HELP AVOID INTERFAMILY CONFLICT.