By Tanni Haas, Ph.D.
Whether your kids are continuing in their current school or are moving to a new school, it’s very likely that they’ll develop a crush on someone this year. If they’re lucky, the feelings will be mutual. According to Dr. Amanda Rose, a developmental psychologist, more than half of all kids have had a “boyfriend” or a “girlfriend” by grade 5. So, how do you, as a parent, respond when your kids have a crush? Experts agree on the following dos and don’ts:
Crushes Are Normal
Don’t panic or worry if your kids are having a crush: it’s perfectly normal, and kids can learn a lot from having such feelings towards others. Deborah Roffman, a relationship expert and author of several books, says that crushes are “a normal part of development, when kids start to see each other in ways that are little bit different” from how they’ve viewed each other when they were younger. Dr. Maria Lamia, a clinical psychologist, adds that crushes “can provide a child with important lessons as s/he enters the world of forming loving connections with others who’re outside of her/his family.” In fact, should the crush not be reciprocated or turn bad, kids will still learn important lessons from the experience. “If you have a crush and s/he says something not very nice to you,” Dr. Rose notes, “then that’s a first opportunity for a 10-year-old to process, well, how do you manage those feelings?”
Acknowledge Their Feelings
If you find out that your kids have a crush, it’s important thing to acknowledge this as calmly as possible. Don’t downplay or exaggerate what they’re experiencing. Marissa Gehley, a retired elementary school teacher and middle school counselor, puts it well: “You don’t want to close doors with, ‘You’re too young, don’t be silly,’ because kids take these things hard. But you don’t want to go over the top with over exuberance, ‘Tell me everything!’ either.”
Ask Them Genuine Questions
If your kids are willing to talk openly to you about their feelings, ask them genuine questions about the person they like instead of superficial ones like their appearance or whether or not they’re cute. Ms. Roffman recommends that parents ask questions such as: “what do you like about that person? What do you notice about them” What’s their personality like?” Dr. Patricia Anderson, an educational psychologist and author of Parenting: A Field Guide, agrees that “talking about the person helps to focus the conversation on personal qualities and shared interests.” In other words, your kids will learn to judge others on the content of their character and what they have in common with them. Hopefully, they’ll also learn how to develop deep and meaningful relationships with others in the future.
Support Age-Appropriate
If you want to help your kids act upon their feelings, make sure that you support age-appropriate activities. Greg Smallidge, a relationship expert, notes that parents should only help their kids engage in activities that come naturally to them, whether it’s playing in the park or getting an ice cream. Dr. Anderson agrees: “if real dates are still a few years off, group dates, movie nights at home, or parent-chaperoned outings can help pave the way for more dating autonomy later on.”
About the Author
Tanni Haas, Ph.D. is a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences, and Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.