By Alicia Thompson
I recently ran across a note in the back of a drawer, written in red crayon by a child who was obviously just learning to write that said, “we are not Kis ine mor. We are Big.” (Translation, if it’s been a while since you last deciphered kindergarten language: We are not kids anymore. We are big.)
Why is it that children always want to grow up faster? To be older? Bigger? As parents, we know how fleeting childhood is, and we want them to enjoy each stage as it comes. The thing is, one day, they actually are “big.” And when that day comes, the process of making the transition from parenting children to being parents of adults can be difficult to navigate.
Almost six years ago I wrote an article for this publication called “They Grow Up So Fast.” At the time, I was preparing to send my oldest twin daughters off to college and searching for all the information I could find on how to prepare them – and myself – for that huge life transition. I’d scoured the Internet, but what I should have done, was ask other parents who had navigated that transition themselves. I’ve survived these past few years with the support of friends who are entering this phase with their kids as well, so I reached out to these amazing parents to get their insight. Their words of wisdom just may help the next generation of parents of young adults. However, as Ellen Myers, mom to Owen, age 19 and Sam, age 16, points out, “It’s great to have friends and other parents to connect with, but every family’s experience is different.”
First Steps
When your kids first leave the nest for college or the military or to jump straight into a job and place of their own, there are some important steps to consider. Laura Roach, mom to John, age 23, Jacob, age 21, and Jack, age 19, is an attorney and reminds parents that once your child turns 18, he or she is a legal adult, so you no longer have access to any of their personal information. She suggests, “Make sure you have a power of attorney done at a minimum before they leave, so you can make decisions medically and financially on their behalf if needed.” You don’t have access to their academic records either, so she suggests, “Make sure you have login information for the accounts at the college so you can see their grades, not to micromanage, but just to keep them on track and be able to talk with them if they need additional help.” She adds, “Don’t allow it to become an obsession.”
It’s hard to give up control as you try to guide them to making good decisions. Curtis and Kristy Howard, parents to Ansley, age 23 and Anthony, age 20, say, “It is easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done before moving a child to college, but college can be a great environment for your child to get out of their comfort zone and start to develop the skills needed to be functional adults. There will be issues that come up and you will give advice. That advice will be completely ignored, but just remember that your child will be all right.”
“I wish someone had told me that kids make their own path in college. Changing majors or universities is part of their growth process and just because it isn’t what you envisioned for them doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
Ellen Myers, mom to Owen, age 19, and Sam, age 16
Keeping Up (with the Kids)
Once they’ve “flown the coop,” you still want to check in on them, but how much is too much? I asked these parents how much they monitored their kids after they had left for college and how often they checked in.
Jennifer Cannatti, mom to Allison, age 22, and Wesley, age 21, said, “I did not monitor their locations during college. I did ask that they share locations with each other or close and trusted friends. Communication differed for each child. Again, what’s best for one may be different from another. Wesley prefers frequent check-ins with text, phone calls, and FaceTime to keep us updated or to ask questions. Allison preferred calling or FaceTiming every few weeks when she had rare stretches of quiet time. We would talk for hours but then not hear from her for quite a while. Our goal is to keep the lines of communication open and honest. The understanding that we are always here for them no matter what is more important to me than how often, by what mode, or for how long we talk.”
Kelly, mom to Kerry, age 24 and Amanda, age 22, says, “My kids were on our phone family plan, so the option was always there to use ‘find my phone’ to see what they were up to. But I resisted the urge! I thought back to my college days, and I wouldn’t have wanted my parents tracking my daily activities. Likewise, I resisted the urge to encourage them to pursue certain majors. I took on the role of consultant and only provided my opinion when it was asked for. I believe this was likely easier for me than other parents, as my daughters were on full scholarship, so I didn’t have the feeling that my money was on the line. We talked to the girls about once per week but didn’t necessarily have a set time to talk.”
Tierney Thompson, mom to Emma, age 24, Leyton, age 21, and Hawthorne, age 17, has been able to get the entire family to talk together. “We FaceTime once a week as a whole family and talk/text as needed. I worry about the kids not talking to each other, so the family FaceTime helps,” she shares.
Ellen has just survived her son’s freshman year at college and admits, “I checked Owen’s location more than I should have. I wasn’t doing it to make sure that he was going to class or to see how late he was staying out. I really wanted to make sure he was getting out and not spending too much time in his dorm room.” As far as communicating with Owen at college she says, “We did our best to have FaceTime calls at a set time every week. It didn’t always work out, so we tried to stay flexible. We always made the effort to chat, even if it was just for a few minutes, at least once a week.”
Susan, mom to Zach, age 22, Luke, age 19, and AJ, age 17, emphasizes, “I want them to know it’s always okay to call home. But we can’t read each other’s minds. I want them to know my reaching out to text ‘have a great day’ is not passive aggressive or trying to cramp their style. It means they were on my heart and mind, and I wanted them to know. Just like I’d want them to reach out if they had something to share. Talking about expectations before they go is key.”
Realizing Your Child is “Grown”
One day you realize your baby is a full-fledged adult. That can be scary or exciting or sad – or most likely a combination of many emotions. It can be prompted by an event as it was for Curtis and Kristy. They share, “It really hit home when helping our daughter fill out the HR information for her ‘adult’ job.” It could be an off-hand comment that changes your perspective. Tierney says, “Leyton told me he was an adult. I laughed but realized it was true. He is making his own future.” Or it could be a routine experience they face alone. Ellen says, “It hit me that he was ‘grown’ when he was away at school, and we couldn’t make decisions for him. For example, when he was sick, he had to find a provider, fill out paperwork, and get himself to the appointment without my help.”
For Jennifer the realization came for both of her kids at once. “It definitely hit me that my children are grown when they recently took a hiking vacation together (one recent college graduate and one college student). They planned the entire trip themselves from scheduling flights, booking hotels, reserving park passes, and renting a car while paying for the entire adventure themselves. When their flight was delayed several hours and they reached their destination at 2:00 AM, I realized I had no idea if they’d still be able to get a car, where they were going that night, or where they were staying. While I was worried about them, I was able to still sleep soundly knowing they would take care of each other and make smart decisions.”
The trigger may be something that seems relatively insignificant. Kelly shares that for her, it is, “When Amanda comes home, whips out a wine glass and helps herself to a glass of wine!”
“It’s hard to say those first goodbyes, but it’s not an ending, just a shift. Feel it but keep moving forward.”
Susan, mom to Zach, age 22, Luke, age 19, and AJ, age 17
What I Know Now
We can make plans for our kids, but they’ll make their own decisions. Ellen says, “I wish someone had told me that kids make their own path in college. Changing majors or universities is part of their growth process and just because it isn’t what you envisioned for them doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
That doesn’t mean they don’t still need your guidance. Laura now sees, “I wish someone would have told me that my boys still needed me. It just looks different. I went through a depression of what’s next? Is this all there is? I realized they are all still part of me and I of them. I’m still their Mama. Nothing or no one will ever break our bond. It may look different, but we will always be connected.”
Changing Relationships
In so many ways, as your kids enter adulthood, there are opportunities to strengthen your relationship; it just may look a little different. Tierney has seen, “We have more time to talk. We aren’t always talking about logistics of going here and there and school assignments but other topics like hobbies, religion, politics, and pop culture.”
Susan says, “I remind myself often this is an evolution. I recall how self-focused I was at 19, 20, 21… and remind myself that the goal is to raise adults, not children. In one breath I am still finding their lost items or saving a passport appointment by reminding them of the right documents to take. And within hours I am subject to rolling eyes or ‘I’ve got it’ or even being ignored. I try not to take it personally, though it can sting. My urge to do for them is not based in a lack of faith in their ability, but my desire to show love. I finally realized I needed to say just that, so they understand my thought process and my actions. It helped! I know my kids can do their laundry, but I don’t mind helping it along. I try to zip my lips more often, to listen more than talk and certainly more than preach. My sons need respect more than advice. I find if I give them the former, they are more likely to ask for the latter.”
Laura stresses that the transition has been different with each of her three sons. “Generally, our relationship has become closer. They are excited to see me. I cherish every meal with them, even just talking in the kitchen. The boys can feel it. They make quality time for me. It’s not the minutes you spend, it’s the time talking, laughing, validating feelings and talking about the future that matters. The boys don’t take time together as a family for granted anymore.” She stresses that in her professional life as well. “I always tell clients fighting in a custody case that it’s not the amount of time that matters, it’s the time you spend building a relationship so that when the kids don’t have to spend time with you, they still want to. Eighteen years goes fast. The same applies to when your kids are home from college.”
Kelly believes, “My girls treat me more of an equal. When they were home, there was sneaking around and not telling us the full story of what was going on in their lives. Now I hear all about what they and their friends are doing, and often hear much more information than I really want to know. I also have noticed more reflection in what they say…and one of my daughters doesn’t even try to limit her language/curse words when speaking with me!”
Curtis and Kristy have seen, “We have transitioned into a more mature relationship with our kids now that they are young adults. We watch with pride as they express their own opinions (even if they differ from ours) and navigate the problems and difficulties of becoming an adult. But we no longer automatically intervene when they have problems or are facing challenges.”
New Identities
The role of parent during the hands-on days of child-rearing is one that defines us for a large portion of our own adult lives. You will always be a parent, but the time comes when it no longer plays such a big role in your day-to-day responsibilities. The question becomes, “Now who am I?” Kelly shares, “I worked a stressful job in public accounting for almost a decade before I had kids. After my first daughter was born, I became a stay-at-home mom with my two daughters. I spent the next decade completely involved in their lives—I served on the PTA; I was a Girl Scout leader; I was a volunteer at the school, etc. When my oldest was about to enter high school, I realized my entire identity was tied to being the mother of my kids. I wondered what it would be like for me mentally at age 50 when my youngest left for college. I decided I needed to take action and build an identity for myself separate from being a mom. I went back to school and got my Bachelor of Science in Nursing and started working as an operating room nurse. When we sent our youngest off to college, I experienced the sadness of ‘ending an era’ of being at home with my kids, but I also had a job I enjoyed and had worked hard for. It made the transition much easier.” She adds, “Now that they are gone, I have had time to focus on hobbies and activities that do not involve my kids—like I have a weekly mahjong game and I go two times a week to Pilates. I would not have taken time away from family for these types of activities when the kids were at home.”
Curtis and Kristy have seen, “Our lives are no longer child-centric, and we now have the ability to go to concerts, hang out with friends, or travel without worrying about what we are going to do with the kids or if the kids will be bored. It is great.”
Laura says, “I work a lot more and took up tennis as a hobby to do with my husband. In addition, he and I went to a marriage retreat to help us reconnect and communicate during this transition time of life. It’s a common time for couples to divorce once the kids leave and they have nothing in common, so we are intentionally doing more together and keeping our goals in alignment with each other.”
“No matter how old my kids get, I will always be their mom, ready to offer support, guidance, and my heart. At the same time, I am grateful for this season of new self-discovery.”
Jennifer Cannatti, mom to Allison, age 22, and Wesley, age 21
Look Back Fondly
These parents admit there will be things you miss, too. Kelly says, “I miss being a family of four—eating dinner together every night and going to their school activities and celebrating their day-to-day achievements. With my older daughter working a busy job in another state and my youngest just graduated from college, it has been hard to find time for us all to be together at the same time.” Curtis and Kristy add, “We do miss watching the kids at recitals or football games, and you do lose that automatic friend group of parents that forms when your kids are involved in these types of activities.”
Jennifer tries to keep it all in perspective. “I like to look at my life in seasons. For the baby raising season, I do miss washing pudgy knuckles, reading and singing at bedtime, and cheering my lungs out at sporting events. In this new season as a baby bird launcher, I am loving owning my own time again. I am full-hearted grateful every time we see our young adult children, but when they are away, I read another book from my huge bedside stack, eat peanut butter bananas for dinner, and listen to my favorite Broadway musical soundtracks on full blast in the car. No matter how old my kids get, I will always be their mom, ready to offer support, guidance, and my heart. At the same time, I am grateful for this season of new self-discovery.”
Kids do grow up so fast, but our objective is to help them launch successfully into adulthood, and we need to recognize that with growth comes change. Ultimately, Jennifer reminds parents, “Let your kids be the guide to how much help or independence is best for them to make this transition. Every kid is different from each other and from you.” Susan sums it up by saying, “It’s hard to say those first goodbyes, but it’s not an ending, just a shift. Feel it but keep moving forward.”