68 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com MARCH | APRIL 2018 A re you the adult Child of a Difficult Older Parent (CODOP)? You just might be if you feel that you can never make your senior parent happy, despite your best attempts to make their twilight years their best years. It’s a delicate balance between honoring the ones who raised you and preserving your commitments to your own family – and your sanity! I’ve spent decades navigating the geri- atric population and can assure you that you’re not alone when it comes to addressing difficult behaviors with an aging parent, and more importantly, I can show you how to put your feelings in per- spective. I arrived in Dallas in 1982 as the city’s first fellowship-trained clinical gero-psychol- ogist and soon found my practice taking me daily into every corner of the local senior care network. The vast majority of old- er adults are, of course, fine people – capable, connected, content and congenial – and most of my clients were fine people who had simply hit a rough patch in life. But many of the elderly individuals referred for my services were described quite explicitly as very difficult. These older people treated their own children very rudely, with cruel sarcasm, irrational and selfish demands, con- stant criticism and undeserved an- ger. I found that most of the adult children of these elders were fine people who struggled valiantly to love their parents. In 2015, after working with many hundreds of such cases, I coined the acronym CODOP, for Chil- dren Of Difficult Older Parents, to de- scribe these adult children. In my experience, difficult parent scenarios fall into two lists of six patterns. The classic six behaviors are generally shown by long-difficult parents and usually reflect a personality disorder. The cognitive six behaviors are generally shown by newly-difficult parents and usually reflect a new dementia. (See sidebar) TO SURVIVE, ADULT CHILDREN OF DIFFICULT OLDER PARENTS NEED: 1 Support from people who really understand the CODOP dilemma 2 Effective tools for understanding their parents 3 Skills for responding constructively to their parents 4 safeguards against becoming a difficult parent to their own children CLASSIC SIX BEHAVIORS THAT PARENTS MAY HAVE EXHIBITED OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME (AND THAT MAY REFLECT A PERSONALITY DISORDER): 1. INTRUSIVENESS 2. LAZY COMPLAINING 3. IRRATIONAL CRITICISM 4. DISHONESTY 5. IRRESPONSIBILITY 6. HYPOCRITICALLY INNOCENT FAÇADE COGNITIVE SIX BEHAVIORS PARENTS MAY BE NEW TO DEMONSTRATE (AND THAT MAY INDICATE EARLY DEMENTIA): 1. REPETITIVENESS 2. ANXIOUS RESTLESSNESS 3. WANDERING 4. DELUSIONS 5. IRRITABILITY COMBATIVENESS 6. DEPRESSION Editor’sNote:Dr.PaulChafetzisaclinicalpsychologistinprivate practiceinDallas,TX,aspeakerandauthorofLovingHard- To-LoveParents. Readmoreonpage11. Hecanbereachedat 469.233.5566ordrpaul@paulkchafetz.com. goodOLEDAYS