26 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2017 GoodLifeFamilyMag.com NOVEMBER | DECEMBER 2017 27 For so many years I wished I was like “all the other kids.” I wished that for just one year I could stay put, lounge around in pajamas, watch holiday movies, and play with my new toys. However, that was not my reality, and with nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, those holidays of undivided time are few and far between for many children. Fast forward 20 years and now I am the adult of divorced parents. I know first-hand how difficult it can be trying to balance visiting both sets of parents while trying to implement your own traditions with your new, immediate family. Not to mention the complexity of the situation if your spouse’s parents are also divorced…hello four Christmases (Good movie, by the way.)! When you start to think about all of the visits you will have to make, you might be left feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. I’ve provided some tips that helped me then and might help you now. How can you help your children navigate a divorced family this holiday season? GIVE THEM SOME TIME Your kids may need some time and space after making the transition from house to house. Allow space for silence and give them time to process before jumping into holiday activities. Remind them you will be there when they are ready. By Stacy Hyde / Contributor Surviving the Holidays in a Divorced Family A Personal Perspective ACKNOWLEDGE AND VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS Let your children know it is okay to feel sad, upset, angry, hurt, etc. Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., writes that by acknowledging and validating your kids’ feelings you are conveying to them they are heard and understood. DO NOT TRY TO RESCUE According to Deborah Godfrey, a writer for positiveparenting. com, by listening to the authentic feelings of your child, you create a safe and secure environment for open communication. By listening instead of trying to rescue, you allow your child to develop skills essential for healthy emotional development. OFFER SUPPORT Sometimes offering support means just being present and listening. Knowing they can go to you for validation and reassurance will help your kids build their self-esteem and reduce deviant behavior, according to Bernstein. As an adult child of divorced parents, how can you help yourself? BE OKAY WITH SAYING NO So many of us fear that by saying “no,” we will harm our loved ones. However, there is a difference between hurt and harm. Family members may be hurt by you saying no, but it does not necessarily mean they are harmed. In the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, the authors explain how setting boundaries can be difficult because often it involves an uncomfortable conversation or confrontation. The authors encourage readers to empathize with family members with whom they are setting boundaries, and understand that you may not receive immediate acceptance of these new boundaries. MANAGE YOUR TIME Despite where you decide to spend your time during the holidays, it can be helpful to have a plan in mind. Although you don’t have to stick to the plan you originally set, it can be beneficial to have a frame of reference when managing multiple visits. MAKE YOUR OWN TRADITIONS At some point in the day, make time for yourself and your own immediate family (spouse, children, loved ones, friends). Author Michele L. Brennan, Psy.D. emphasizes the importance of creating traditions with your own children, for they “crave the comfort and security that comes with traditions and predictability.” Remember to slow down and enjoy this time. The holidays are meant to be a celebration! (Editor’s Note: See related story on page 22.) Editor’s Note: Stacy Hyde, M.A., LPC, is a therapist with The Counseling Place, a nonprofit agency dedicated to providing affordable mental health care. Reach her at counselingplace.org. Becklof